Uncle Billy's Far-fetched Tales Chapter 2 'The Ballad of Mad Dog Magee'

The Ballad of Mad Dog Magee

"Uncle Billy, tell us one of your far-fetched tales please."

"I've told you before boys, my tales are not far-fetched, they are just fetched from afar!!!

This one was fetched from the Caribbean a long time ago, so it is fetched from afar in time and in distance. 

At the time of this story, there were Spanish galleons sailing to the New World looking for gold and other treasures. There were pirates too. They were to be feared. Men like Henry Morgan, Edward Teach (also known as Blackbeard) and perhaps the most feared of all, Mad Dog Magee!!"

At this point in the story, Uncle Billy took out his guitar and announced that he was going to sing. He began to pluck out a bouncy accompaniment using his thumb and three fingers to play the instrument and then began to sing:

The Ballad of Mad Dog Magee

The invincible crew of the Good Ship Maroo were sailing out over the sea,

When who should they spy on a raft floating by, but the pirate called Mad Dog Magee.

Now Magee was renowned for the terrible sound he would make when blowing his nose,

And his skill with a sword, which often was gored by the blood of his deadliest foes.

Cried Magee to the crew of the Good Ship Maroo, "Come about now and take me on board.

Then take orders from me, or else you will see I will run you all through with my sword!"

But the invincible crew of the Good Ship Maroo was captained by Phineas Smee,

Who came up on deck and shouted, "By heck! You are one Sir and we're Twenty-three!"

"Do you think we're afraid, 'cos a name you have made wi' your sword and enormous old hooter?

Come aboard if you must, but surrender up fust yonder blade, or I'll use my shooter!"

With these words then did Smee point straight at Magee, his pistol and 'pon my word,

Though this may sound weird, the pirate appeared to concede, for he laid down his sword.

Then he paddled his raft right up to the craft and took out his handkerchief blue,

But on blowing his nose, a great wind arose, which shattered the ship quite in two!!

And as the ship sank, clinging tight to a plank, a lone survivor there be

Of the Good Ship Maroo and her invincible crew, 'twas her captain, Bold Phineas Smee.

Now Magee sailed away and the very next day found an island on which he did land,

But on stepping ashore, with wonder he saw someone's footprints impressed in the sand.

Well who could this be? Was it Phineas Smee, the survivor of the Good Ship Maroo?

No! 'Twas Black-hearted Tate, the one-eyed first mate of Mad Dog's very own crew!

"What a very queer fate," cried Black-hearted Tate, "has brought us together again,

For I ne'er thought this eye would ever espy your ugly old hooter again!"

Then up jumped Magee and danced round with glee and embraced his crusty old friend.

"I thought all was lost when in the sea I was tossed. On that raft, I thought life would end!"

Said Tate to Magee, "Come with me and you'll see what became of your ship, 'The Black Hound',

For in that wild storm that took you, we were borne to this island and here ran aground.

Then the crew of 'The Hound' all gathered around their long lost captain to greet.

"Now all we are short for some rollicking sport is some booty, let's go find a fleet!"

So Magee and his crew, they all did set to to repair their ship, 'The Black Hound',

Then set out on their way in search of some prey, which they very soon found.

For sailing The Main, with gold, bound for Spain, was the galleon, 'The Santa Lucee',

That three days before had rescued the poor half-starved captain Bold Phineas Smee.

Upon sighting a craft approaching from aft, the galleon's captain hailed,

"Come aboard, fine Grandee!" for he could not see that under false colours she sailed.

For 'The Hound' sailed The Main, with the gold flag of Spain on her jack staff boldly displayed,

So Smee was surprised when he recognised Mad Dog's hooter and he was dismayed.

"Don Alvaro Martee!" cried Phineas Smee to the captain of 'The Santa Lucee',

"Do not fall for his lies, for he is in disguise! He's the pirate called Mad Dog Magee!"

Cried Alvaro to Smee, "I have heard of Magee, the infamous pirate and looter.

He's a swordsman I hear, yet that I don't fear, but what of his enormous old hooter?"

"For rumours abound that a terrible sound emerges from that facial feature,

And ships break in two and lose all their crew and their treasures to that awful creature!"

"This is true," agreed Smee, "for that's how you found me alone in such terrible throes,

For my 'Good Ship Maroo' was shattered in two when Magee blew his overgrown nose."

"But suppose we should scatter, with pepper, the latter before on our deck he can stand,

Then perhaps he will sneeze, thus creating a breeze that will blow his ship back to the land."

So without further ado, Alvaro ordered his crew to throw pepper at Mad Dog Magee,

But from out of his nose, A HURRICANE arose which sank both 'The Hound' and 'The Santa Lucee!!!

So fear not ye sailors of galleons or whalers, the pirate called Mad Dog Magee,

For with Davey Jones lie his skeleton bones, way down deep on the bed of the sea.

But beware when you sail, the unusual gale that arises from nowhere, you see

It might be a breeze, brought on by a sneeze from the hooter of Mad Dog Magee!!

He continued with the accompaniment for a few more bars, letting the volume drop away to nothing.

"Was there really a pirate called Mad Dog Magee, Uncle?"

"No, boys. Him I made up," Uncle Billy said laughing. "The others I mentioned were real though. Perhaps you might see if you can find anything out about them."

"How would we do that?" Rod asked.

"Look them up in an encyclopaedia," interrupted mum. "We have a very good one upstairs. I will help you tomorrow."

True to her word, she did so next day and we found that Uncle Billy had been correct about Morgan and Teach, but that is something I leave up to you to find for yourselves. Nowadays, of course, you simply have to put the names into Google Search on your computer and click. No doubt you will find out far more than we were able to do back in our 1950s encyclopaedia.